Super Junior Ate My Brain

I have this theory that none of the members of Super Junior are actually full-sized human beings. I think when they film them, they make them look like normal men (well, normal might be a stretch), but in reality, they are elves. They are elves who were stranded on their journey from Middle Earth to the Grey Havens, and now they are trying to earn money to go join Santa in the North Pole, because that is the going job for elves these days.

But I digress.

My introduction to Super Junior – SuJu, to the cute, pretentious, or anyone who gets tired of spelling out the name, which is everyone – was less than auspicious. First, it was all “Who are these men who don’t fit in pictures? Oh, they are called Super Junior.” I thought this was a stupid name and that a) They were probably way too young, and b) They were probably weird. 0-1 I’ll let you guess which one.

Then it was all “This is HeeChul. He kisses boys.” What a great first member to recognize. Although I won’t complain too loudly because from HeeChul it is about half a degree of separation until you get to SIWON (whose name must always be typed in caps for obvious reasons). Actually, sometimes there is no separation, like when they are cuddling in bed. But anyway. SIWON and HeeChul are like Damon and Pythias, except I can’t ever remember what Damon and Pythias did, except I think one of them was bigger and the other one was smaller. Or something. I wonder if one of them was also a little twerp?

SIWON is like if you crossed a Ken doll with the Angel of Death and then made it take itself really seriously. He would be hilarious, except that no one who looks like that can ever be hilarious. Lucky for him. Very, very lucky. Some day, when they make those Bibleman videos into a cinema-release movie, SIWON will play Bibleman. He is already practicing with the suit.



Then there was a song called “Sorry, Sorry,” and maybe I’m stupid, but that did not strike me as a promising title, despite the fact that it won every award ever imagined in the brain of a self-esteem expert. So I watched the video. It takes place in this black-and-white alternate reality where everything is Really Really Cool and all the men wear suits and there are no women. (I don’t think any of the members notice the absence, really). There is dancing. And posing. And it is all very retro and very modern and very apologetic. And they say shawty a bunch of times, which should be against the law. And it has all the members, but they are all the same person and have one three-second close up each. So I was like “Ok, this song is cool,” and it jumped onto my iPod and got repeated like six thousand times.

This seems as good a time as any to advance my Theory of Super Junior and Sow’s Ears. Basically, Super Junior emphatically disproves the popular (?) adage that “You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.” If you have a continuum going, then SIWON is straight out of the cocoon, and a couple of the dark-haired ones I can never remember are still oinking. And yet, somehow, they all manage to be hot. Or, rather, production manages to convince us that they are all hot. I would love to say that this is magic, but personally, I think it is pure bluffing. “Here,” says production, “are 13 men wearing hot clothes, doing a hot dance, singing a hot song, and in a hot setting. We will even give them a hot angle. SEE! SEE! They are HOT!” And the combined effect of it all is that sow’s ears become silk purses, at least for a few minutes. Forget plastic surgery. Go join Super Junior.

Then there were the appearances on shows. Random members wore capes and that plump one was on “We Got Married” being an idiot and sometimes they dressed in drag and SIWON wants us all to be happy with Jesus, which, I am totally down with, even if you tell me while staring at me from underneath your Thunder Brows. And they tickled each other a bunch. There was this one blond one who was, like, everywhere. And sometimes he was being really cool, and sometimes he was being really pretty. And then he was two people. Not a hard mistake to make, really. Sorry Eunhyuk and EeTeuk. Oh, and everybody was mad at Kim KiBum because he was Not There, except all I could remember was Heroine 6 when he worse mouse ears and yelled “cat” all the time and was sort of cute. And I don’t think he could mean anything badly because I don't think he's a rocket scientist. Oh, and HeeChul was in a tent with somebody, and I decided that he had to be straight after all because it was so weird, except that did not create the unbridled joy you might expect because Kangin was drinking tea with that one tiny one who might be gay. Oh well.

And then there was “It’s You.” I would like to say that there is some reason for me to have freaked out so much, but really there probably isn’t. This video is in a different alternate reality, a sort of emo one, except it’s very pink. A third of the time they are all sitting around posed like one of those Victorian paintings where it looks like everything smells of roses and no one is smiling. Another third of the time they are dancing awesomely, and the final third they are all walking around dying of consumption. Except Kangin, who is dying to get out of there, Shin Dong, who is dying of his own cuteness, KiBum, who is dying of old age, and SIWON, who is too sexy for his coat. And there is no oinking because the good fairy has hit them all with her stick that makes us think they are hot. And there is a drama version, but we shall not speak of that.

Something about it finally all crowded down upon me. The collective elfin awesomeness and hugging and standing around in groups like they ate Mommy’s last cookie and giggling and dancing and dragging and making everyone cringe and wearing pretty pink clothes and looking like famine victims and being cool but not really and putting scriptures on cd covers and having crazy abs and lying on the floor shrieking in elfin laughter and being miniature. It all ate my brain. And now I am an ELF.